I have suddenly come to the stark realization that I am almost 40. And I totally get how you might get the wrong idea about my stating that...I suppose that most women, when they come around to their own midlife crises (per se), say that with some amount of displeasure about their appearance - and start complaining about "crow's feet", or point to body parts and breathlessly whine "how did this happen to me???" But that's not what I mean...not that I don't have crow's feet (I certainly do), and have a little sagging here and there (I'll just keep those locations to myself). What I mean is that I am now sure that I am "emotionally" almost 40. I'm losing my youthful exuberance about certain things that I thought I would always get excited about.
A few things lately have come to light that, in the past, I would have considered opportunities. The one in particular that has inspired this little rant - the chance to get back on the air at a radio station. Why am I not completely enamoured by that?! Is it the minimum wage pay scale? Nah, being a DJ was never a money-maker. Is it that there is literally no contact with the public, because you go in now and record everything ahead of time digitally (just in case you don't know - the guy you're listening to - at that moment - isn't really sitting in a booth anymore, talking to you...he recorded himself two days ago, and he wasn't talking to you when he did - so, when you think that song that just came on "came on" at just the right time to pick you up symbolically, it didn't - it was going to be on at that time, and it was planned several months in advance). So, I'm in front of this microphone, and its all very mechanical. And easy. And unfathomably boring. And I suddenly start thinking of 10 reasons to not do it. Am I past my prime? Nope...my voice is probably better than its ever been. Physically, can I operate the equipment? Doesn't intimidate me at all, even though I've never used it. So it's gotta be emotional, right? Oh yeah.
Why do I not want to get back on the air?
I keep thinking of this line from "The Wedding Singer"...I know, don't start - I'm just trying to make a point:
"I'm not in love with Robbie, now. I'm in love with Robbie, six years ago. Robbie, the lead singer of Final Warning; I used to come watch you when you were in your silk shirt and Spandex pants, and you would sing into the microphone like you were David Lee Roth."
That's really it - I'm in love with radio 10 years ago. Before I had a family that I'm sorta finding solace with in all this. Before I had 3 businesses to run. The radio I used to go to and play David Lee Roth, instead of Taylor Swift. When it actually required talent, and wasn't so easy a monkey could do it. I guess they figure you can buy plenty of bananas with $7.25 per hour.
So I guess I've grown past it. Or maybe it grew past me. Either way, I'm disenchanted with something I always thought would excite me. I still like toys (I can still solve my Rubik's Cube), and I can still squat long enough to "catch" a softball game if I wanted to. I will still watch "Footloose" if its on. I guess I'll just have to put this in the category with Don Johnson gaining 60 pounds and refusing to do a Miami Vice reunion show.
I'm supposed to go there tomorrow, and do some test recording. Maybe it will snow...how symbolic...the winter of my life. If this sounds all melancholy, I really don't intend it to be; I'm actually kinda content with the turn of events. I like being a grown up. I love my life now more than ever. I can still be interesting and not know when Ke$ha's new album is dropping.
Now, though, it's time to go pick up my kid from school, do some 2nd grade math homework and figure out what's for dinner.
I think I'll make some Ramen Noodles and Macaroni and Cheese, just to give my youth a proper send-off.
