I Blame Robert Pattinson

Recently, a friend of mine, at her 10 year olds' insistence, went and popped some money on a suit for him. A full-on real suit. Just to be funny, my response (via Facebook, of course) was "I blame Robert Pattinson". And it got a few laughs, which was the point...or was it? No...I now assert that there are many, many things to blame Robert Pattinson for.

Disaffected staring: All teens have blank stares. You did. I did. But teen dudes now...holy cow. I have never witnessed more blankness than that of a 15-17 year old boy's stare. At nothing in general. Wispy drones, looking beyond what they are actually looking at...like every single scene in "Twilight". What the hell is that?? Granted...I am not a fan of the "Twilight" "saga" (yechhh - I can't even type that with a straight face). I'm more of an "Interview with the Vampire" girl myself, but who are those people? I know that vampires are supposed to be, you know, soul-less, but the other characters - who aren't vampires - too? I'm stunned by the vapid emptiness in that whole deal. Like they care so much they act like they don't care. It all makes me feel very creepy watching it. Yesssss, I watched it. Late one night, when there wasn't anything else on. Noooooo, I haven't read the books ("The books are soooo much better, sooo much better..."). Yeah. OK. Not reading the books. Robert Pattinson is not my idea of "sexy", or "attractive"...or "talented", just because he's got a blank stare in him. He's just the one with the better car.

Whispery longing soliloquys: No 17 year old dude is gonna talk like that. And if you try to emulate it, you're gonna get put in a locker. If you are NOT a vampire, you just can't pull that off, so don't try. If even the best looking of the 17 year old dudes had even opened his mouth spouting that garbage when I was 17, he would have gotten pommelled by the entire 2nd period weightlifting class. And I would not have fallen for it. Any of you guys out there want the smart girl - which incidentally, still remains the best decision for your future you might ever make - talk like a normal guy. Compliments. Not wispy whispering longings "Bella...you're my forever". Yeah. Whatever, Dudepire. Impress me by quoting Prince. Make me laugh, not throw myself off a cliff (yeah, the chick tries to do that in the 2nd movie). Look like you've read a friggin' book that doesn't have pictures. I blame Robert Pattinson for every stupid breathy movie scene by teenagers we will have to witness from here on - and possibly mis-directed cliff diving.

Shirtless posters in WalMart: Really? Shirtless posters? Even Andy Gibb didn't do a shirtless poster. And what pre-teen or recently-teen's mom lets them have a SHIRTLESS poster? Oversexualized...his character is SUPPOSED to be a JUNIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL. I am not stupid - I know kids in High School are sexually aware - but there's 11, 12, 13, 14 year old GIRLS (and maybe some guys) lookin' at that too. I just don't need to see a gaggle of them gathered around the poster kiosk at WalMart, talking about his nipples. Really. I do NOT need to see that.

All other future Vampire movies: Too bad, too. I hear there's a remake of Dracula coming...let's hope they don't have him as a lusty teen...because that would be bad. And vampires ARE...they are BAD. Vampires = BAD. No amount of lipstick and hair gel should really remove that message. It's too bad, too, because vampires make for great stories! But now, sadly, they will all end up being 17 forever. And mad about it. Bor-ing.

But most of all, I blame Robert Pattinson for becoming - Robert Pattinson. From what I can gather, if he'd not been perpetually sterotyped as a teen lusty vampire, he might have had a chance to do something else in his life that didn't mention the word "Twilight"...but now...he's got no one to blame for the awfulness of his career but himself. He'll be typecast as the "wistful teen dude", and his name will always be followed by (Edward, "Twilight"). I hope they all hold it together, actually, those kids. Even the werewolf one...he seems a little dim...let's hold out a little extra hope for him.

So, now, whenever you see some 17 year old, shuffling his feet, and looking beyond you when he's talking to you, and has maybe a little too much hair gel and pouty lips (that might be a little too red), and whispers all the time, you, too will blame Robert Pattinson. Whenever you see yet ANOTHER teen vampire rip-off movie, you, too, will blame Robert Pattinson. We all have to suffer now because of Robert Pattinson. It's all his fault.